Omg I loved this read to much, and can relate to just about every single feeling you describe in here. I wrote a similar article yesterday (though with a metaphor of a castle in ruins) and I got a concerned call from my parents. I was surprised, because honestly nothing that I’m going through is new, but apparently it sounded like a cry for help. I don’t have the answer, even for my own situation, but just know that you’re not alone and you don’t have to compare yourself to moms in worse situations. That diminishes your reality, which is just as valid. It’s hard. And it sucks. I’m here for you!
I read your post and loved the analogy and think it can be a great metaphor to imagine putting more boundaries in place. Perhaps your parents seeing it written out were able to absorb it more than just knowing you’re in the thick of it - one, it's great that they did reach out and care to ask, two I hope it could open a convo of more supports or at least understanding of what they expect from you?
I feel you on the school holidays, the only real time I get to myself is when they're asleep (thankfully both sleeping through now) but the days can be full on - especially managing additional needs like you are.
I would recommend starting with one clear boundary with yourself that's been draining (like I won't scroll before bed), and one with someone/something else that is an ‘easier no’ for now. Then you build your self-trust and confidence 😊 my DMs are always open if you need someone to chat to!
Yeah it's so hard cause I think mums always put on a strong face or say it's fine. I know I need to get better at being honest and asking for help in the moments when my capacity is low. I have such a tiny village and friendship group though, and so many mums I know are just trying to cope with their own day what do you think would help mums to open up more?
I’m so sorry for all the illnesses! It’s so tough when the whole family goes down. I absolutely understand the struggle of just asking for help. It is so hard. I don’t know if this is the right word but there’s a vulnerability around asking for help as a mom, something how it feels like you’re not enough to handle it. It’s hard. I’m dealing with it too. I went back to work full time from maternity leave & my husband works on weekends. We have daycare but weekends it’s just me and I’m relearning how to ask for help and what it looks like and ifs just so much harder than I anticipated!
Thanks for your thoughts on this :) The sicknesses just make things so much more challenging, especially when you're sick too! And yes I agree as a high-achiever (and qualified counsellor) I'm constantly going back and forward with what I want to admit is a struggle haha...and I'm sure many mums don't want to be judged for not coping as well as expected in different seasons. My partner works on weekends too...so it's often that I have the kids for large chunks on my own every day. I think it can also be hard to ask for help when you're not even quite sure what could change or what you need...I think I'm going to look at streamlining some of the toys & clothes, and looking at some more ways to prioritise some work/alone time. Is there anything that helps you get through the weekends more easily?
I was reading along and nodding the whole way. I agree with everything. I think the only thing for me is, I am a real empath and I often put myself in the shoes of those struggling with things beyond my imagination and I think about the choice I have. I try not to take anything away from my day to day overwhelm because this is my life and I can’t be regulated all the time, but I do often talk to myself about choice. They have no choice, I have lots of it. I can chose to prioritise some work over a tidy house, I can chose to let my kids be bored instead of thinking I need to entertain them 24/7… they are very small examples but you get what I am saying. I am glad your wrote about it because it’s so many of our realities and by expressing your struggles doesn’t mean you’re saying there are worse, they are just yours. Hope it all begins to settle back into routine for you 💛
Thanks for your thoughts and so glad it resonated. I can also get very caught up in other peoples struggles (was ugly crying over a medical mum's substack this week and barely ever watch the news)...but it also helps me to put things in perspective and often I can also focus on what needs me right now and how can I release all the other stuff. The struggle I had these past few weeks was being constantly needed and everywhere I looked there was something else screaming at me to be done lol. I let so much go, but it was also like a mental backlog that I knew I'd have to come back around to at some point. Things are settling a bit now and I have my little village back next week, so hoping to fall back into some routines. I love your idea of focusing on the choice we still have in the moment and where we can choose an option that allows us to feel supported in the moment.
Thanks for sharing this. I think everyone’s experiences are all relative. We don’t know what it’s like for another even when things may look easier or better. I’m a mama who has quite a lot of support as I live with in-laws and I still have my hard times and don’t cope. I sometimes feel guilty about feeling down about things as I know other mamas have it harder. And I then remember I should never dull myself for another, and we can empower each other as mothers 💜
Yes we all have different capacities and thresholds of what feels challenging at different times. I think its helpful to know that even mums with lots of support can have moments that feel hard too and that's totally understandable. I think the 'just be grateful' expectation can be harmful for mums too because it prevents them from asking for help or making changes sooner. Thanks for your insights 🙏 Do you find it harder when some of your supports aren't available? I think that was my main challenge last month in not having my village on hand.
Very much I find it harder when they are not well or available me to help.
I also know I wouldn’t be doing so well without the support not just from them but having a safe home and acupuncture treatments from my husband each week. I don’t know how other mothers cope and I can see why families fall apart.
The 1000 tiny stones versus the 60kg rock is such a good way to put it. The stones are sneaky because you just keep picking them up without realizing how many you're holding until you physically can't add one more. I'm not a mama yet but I already know I do this, waiting until something is "bad enough" to say out loud.
I’ve caught myself doing this so many times. The immediate “other people have it worse” guilt instead of just allowing myself to admit that something feels hard. So much of motherhood lives in that tension.
Omg I loved this read to much, and can relate to just about every single feeling you describe in here. I wrote a similar article yesterday (though with a metaphor of a castle in ruins) and I got a concerned call from my parents. I was surprised, because honestly nothing that I’m going through is new, but apparently it sounded like a cry for help. I don’t have the answer, even for my own situation, but just know that you’re not alone and you don’t have to compare yourself to moms in worse situations. That diminishes your reality, which is just as valid. It’s hard. And it sucks. I’m here for you!
I read your post and loved the analogy and think it can be a great metaphor to imagine putting more boundaries in place. Perhaps your parents seeing it written out were able to absorb it more than just knowing you’re in the thick of it - one, it's great that they did reach out and care to ask, two I hope it could open a convo of more supports or at least understanding of what they expect from you?
I feel you on the school holidays, the only real time I get to myself is when they're asleep (thankfully both sleeping through now) but the days can be full on - especially managing additional needs like you are.
I would recommend starting with one clear boundary with yourself that's been draining (like I won't scroll before bed), and one with someone/something else that is an ‘easier no’ for now. Then you build your self-trust and confidence 😊 my DMs are always open if you need someone to chat to!
We all need to see each other more! 🤍
Yeah it's so hard cause I think mums always put on a strong face or say it's fine. I know I need to get better at being honest and asking for help in the moments when my capacity is low. I have such a tiny village and friendship group though, and so many mums I know are just trying to cope with their own day what do you think would help mums to open up more?
I’m so sorry for all the illnesses! It’s so tough when the whole family goes down. I absolutely understand the struggle of just asking for help. It is so hard. I don’t know if this is the right word but there’s a vulnerability around asking for help as a mom, something how it feels like you’re not enough to handle it. It’s hard. I’m dealing with it too. I went back to work full time from maternity leave & my husband works on weekends. We have daycare but weekends it’s just me and I’m relearning how to ask for help and what it looks like and ifs just so much harder than I anticipated!
Thanks for your thoughts on this :) The sicknesses just make things so much more challenging, especially when you're sick too! And yes I agree as a high-achiever (and qualified counsellor) I'm constantly going back and forward with what I want to admit is a struggle haha...and I'm sure many mums don't want to be judged for not coping as well as expected in different seasons. My partner works on weekends too...so it's often that I have the kids for large chunks on my own every day. I think it can also be hard to ask for help when you're not even quite sure what could change or what you need...I think I'm going to look at streamlining some of the toys & clothes, and looking at some more ways to prioritise some work/alone time. Is there anything that helps you get through the weekends more easily?
I was reading along and nodding the whole way. I agree with everything. I think the only thing for me is, I am a real empath and I often put myself in the shoes of those struggling with things beyond my imagination and I think about the choice I have. I try not to take anything away from my day to day overwhelm because this is my life and I can’t be regulated all the time, but I do often talk to myself about choice. They have no choice, I have lots of it. I can chose to prioritise some work over a tidy house, I can chose to let my kids be bored instead of thinking I need to entertain them 24/7… they are very small examples but you get what I am saying. I am glad your wrote about it because it’s so many of our realities and by expressing your struggles doesn’t mean you’re saying there are worse, they are just yours. Hope it all begins to settle back into routine for you 💛
Thanks for your thoughts and so glad it resonated. I can also get very caught up in other peoples struggles (was ugly crying over a medical mum's substack this week and barely ever watch the news)...but it also helps me to put things in perspective and often I can also focus on what needs me right now and how can I release all the other stuff. The struggle I had these past few weeks was being constantly needed and everywhere I looked there was something else screaming at me to be done lol. I let so much go, but it was also like a mental backlog that I knew I'd have to come back around to at some point. Things are settling a bit now and I have my little village back next week, so hoping to fall back into some routines. I love your idea of focusing on the choice we still have in the moment and where we can choose an option that allows us to feel supported in the moment.
Thanks for sharing this. I think everyone’s experiences are all relative. We don’t know what it’s like for another even when things may look easier or better. I’m a mama who has quite a lot of support as I live with in-laws and I still have my hard times and don’t cope. I sometimes feel guilty about feeling down about things as I know other mamas have it harder. And I then remember I should never dull myself for another, and we can empower each other as mothers 💜
Yes we all have different capacities and thresholds of what feels challenging at different times. I think its helpful to know that even mums with lots of support can have moments that feel hard too and that's totally understandable. I think the 'just be grateful' expectation can be harmful for mums too because it prevents them from asking for help or making changes sooner. Thanks for your insights 🙏 Do you find it harder when some of your supports aren't available? I think that was my main challenge last month in not having my village on hand.
Very much I find it harder when they are not well or available me to help.
I also know I wouldn’t be doing so well without the support not just from them but having a safe home and acupuncture treatments from my husband each week. I don’t know how other mothers cope and I can see why families fall apart.
The 1000 tiny stones versus the 60kg rock is such a good way to put it. The stones are sneaky because you just keep picking them up without realizing how many you're holding until you physically can't add one more. I'm not a mama yet but I already know I do this, waiting until something is "bad enough" to say out loud.
I’ve caught myself doing this so many times. The immediate “other people have it worse” guilt instead of just allowing myself to admit that something feels hard. So much of motherhood lives in that tension.